When Divorce Becomes Conflict
Tool
Verktyg
When you leave a relationship, the other person may show sides you never thought possible. There are many explanations for this. One may be that you were involved with someone who never had much empathy to begin with—but you didn’t fully see it until the illusion fell away.
This text is based on coaching many people out of relationships where the other party, for various reasons, becomes unpredictable, seemingly remorseless, and conflict-oriented once the separation happens—especially when there are shared children. What is written here may not apply to you. Use it as a buffet: take what fits, leave the rest.
On the label “narcissist”
The word is used carelessly. In everyday language, “narcissist” can mean someone who thinks highly of themselves, wants to think highly of themselves, or has a strong need for status and validation. This alone says nothing about actual risk.
What often matters in practice are three functions:
- Empathy: Can the person take in how you and the children are affected, even when it costs them something?
- Impulse control: Can the person slow down when triggered, hurt, offended, or stressed?
- Consequence thinking: Can the person see the next step, the next week, the next month—and choose a stable line for a sustainable relationship over time? You will not stop being parents.
When all three are lacking at the same time, the relationship often turns into unfamiliar terrain. Not because you “did something wrong,” but because the system you are now dealing with operates under different conditions than before.
The core assumption that simplifies everything
In a normal separation, all communication should be about cooperation.
In a high-conflict separation with low empathy, all communication can become a tool for control.
In that case, structure often helps more than finding the right words.
The goal shifts to this:
Safety and stability for the children through minimal exposure, maximum predictability, traceability, and low reactivity.
To preserve your sanity and energy while keeping children safe.
Not consensus.
Not being understood.
Not vindication through dialogue.
Not consideration.
After the relationship: the operational manual
Minimize contact
Contact is limited to child logistics.
Times. Places. School. Illness. Equipment. Child-related finances.
One channel. Written.
This is not coldness.
This is risk reduction.
Learn to communicate without being hijacked
This is where Chris Voss comes in.
Chris Voss is a former FBI negotiator (international hostage and high-stakes negotiations), known for methods that help you stay calm, gather information, and steer toward practical solutions even when the other party is emotionally charged or manipulative. His tools work well in high conflict precisely because they do not rely on the other person wanting to be reasonable.
Practically, in your checklist:
- One ball at a time
One topic per message. When five topics are thrown at you, choose the one most relevant to the child’s immediate needs. - Always send the ball back
Every response ends in a concrete option or a concrete question that requires a decision. Briefly inform, then hand it back. - Mirror
Neutrally repeat the last word of a factual point to gain clarity or slow the pace. - Label
Put words to a perceived emotion without taking blame:
“You seem concerned.” “That sounds stressful.”
This gives the other person a chance to confirm or clarify, which gives you more information about how they are thinking. - Ask “how”
“How do you want to do this so it’s clear for the child?”
“How do you see this working in practice?”
How-questions move the interaction from drama to execution and place responsibility where it belongs. - Avoid escalation
Long defenses and moral debates often become fuel. Brevity and structure leave less room for conflict. - Avoid winning
“Winning” in the moment can be expensive in the next step.
The goal is stability, not triumph.
Try to understand fears and goals—but keep this internal
This is an internal analysis, not a dialogue.
You are not trying to get a person with low empathy to acknowledge their fears. You use the questions above to gather information so you are not caught off guard. Sometimes you uncover a so-called Black Swan.
A Black Swan
In Voss’s language, a “black swan” is an unexpected but decisive piece of information that changes the dynamics of a negotiation. It’s not magic. It is often something that is already there, but invisible because the conversation is full of noise.
In high-conflict post-relationship situations, the black swan is sometimes very simple:
What is this actually trying to achieve?
Control.
Time pressure.
Witnesses.
Financial leverage.
Provoking reactivity.
Creating a narrative.
Shifting blame.
When you see the function behind the form, you become less manipulable.
Accept the lack of empathy
This can be a sad but liberating turning point in your process.
- Stop hoping that the “right explanation” will make them reasonable.
- Stop asking why, if why only leads to more circles.
- Trust behavior over time more than wording.
Lack of empathy does not mean the person always shouts or is always cruel. It means that the consequences for you and the children do not automatically carry weight in their decisions. Not necessarily because they are malicious, but because they cannot feel that kind of empathy.
Expect anything—build standard routines
Unpredictability becomes less dangerous when you have standard routines.
- Fixed times, fixed places
- Short handovers
- Packing checklist
- Rule for schedule changes
- Written confirmation of deviations
The less room for interpretation, the less friction.
Save all communication. All of it.
Save texts, emails, chats. Take screenshots when needed.
Keep a simple log where you write only observable facts:
date, time, place, what happened, effect on the children, any witnesses.
No psychologizing. No diagnosis. Just traceability.
You may need it if it ends up in family court, which it sometimes does.
Best prepared wins.
Build a healthy social network
High conflict isolates. Isolation makes you easier to pressure.
Three roles are usually enough:
- one safe person who keeps you grounded
- one practical person who can help with logistics
- one professional contact when needed (legal/therapy)
Triple test and stress regulation
The triple test
A way to avoid swinging between naïveté and paranoia when you lack full information:
- If this is true: what is the smallest action that protects children and structure in the next step?
- If this is false: what do I risk overreacting to, and how do I secure things without creating more conflict?
- If this is undecidable: what rules make the situation robust regardless of outcome?
Stress regulation
The point is simple: when you are triggered, you become more predictable. Predictability is an opening for someone who wants control.
A practical protocol:
- Before contact: pause, breathe, draft, shorten. Download the app Self Help for Trauma and try self-hypnosis on Spotify.
- During contact: one issue, one question, end.
- After contact: regulate the body briefly and concretely, then return to everyday mode. One step at a time.
- One step at a time.
- One step at a time (you get it).
Safety and vulnerability
- Change passwords in order: email first, then bank, then everything else. Enable two-factor authentication. Log out all devices.
- Turn off location sharing/family sharing. Check shared albums, calendars, notes.
- Banking: separate finances immediately. Separate accounts/cards/Swish. Remove permissions where possible. Enable notifications.
- Home/tech: change Wi-Fi passwords, alarm codes, smart-home permissions. Change locks/codes if risk exists.
- Secure documents: promissory notes, gift letters, cohabitation agreements/prenups, loan agreements, insurance, housing documents. Photograph/PDF secure.
- Inventory shared assets: accounts, loans, credit, subscriptions, car, housing. Document balances and terms.
- Lawyer early: plan for children, housing, finances, evidence.
- Check fraud risk: credit report on yourself. Extra protection with mobile operator if possible.
- Children and contact: one channel, written, logistics only. One ball at a time. Ball back: facts + question + stop.
- Standardize handovers and school/preschool routines. Save all communication + brief log of deviations.
One final sober line
You do not need to be certain about what the other person “is” or which diagnosis they may or may not have in order to protect children and everyday life. What matters is how the person functions under pressure: empathy, impulse control, and consequence thinking.
This text is a map for a specific kind of terrain.
If your terrain is milder: good—take less.
If your terrain is worse: take more, and build structure early.
If you have questions or want to discuss, you can book a session.
